Vintage posts are posts that were part of the site’s first incarnation and before the site went down and all the posts were lost. Sometimes I find them archived in various places online and I bring them back. This was part of the BAD ROMANCE — CHUTES AND PROSTATES series, whereupon I read horrible erotica and react.
— Marvelle
TAMING THE PLATYPUS
The book opens with our platypus shapeshifter, Kai, caught in a trap. He is saved from the trap by another shapeshifter, a penguin named Yuma and his partner, a human named Hunter. The trap injures Kai and the two men agree to take him to Pride Manor for medical attention. From the brief description, Pride Manor sounds like the Playboy Mansion of shapeshifters.
Chapter Two introduces ten (I lied, more like 5) characters that I assume allude to the other 16 books of the series, but since I’ve read none, I’m confused. I reread it several times and I’m not sure what’s going on, only that there’s some sort of wizard shifter having a vision about Kai and a condor shifter named Dorian that sees him as his mate. From the beginning, he called him his mate, which confused me because in the first chapter Kai doesn’t mention having a mate and being alone, and I can’t believe I devoted this much brainpower to this.
I believe our Kai is what is described as a “bear” in the gay community. He is short, compact, strong, yet has a little belly and lots of hair.
Anyway, I know this because the author committed Cardinal Sin of Romance #3: The POV character wants to sex up the love interest while seeing them naked and injured. Because when my S.O. is hurt, I’m thinking about boning, am I right? This is the THIRD FREAKING BOOK IN A ROW FROM THE ROMANCE GENRE I READ RECENTLY THAT DOES THIS.
WHO THINKS ABOUT SEX WHEN SOMEONE THEY LOVE IS BLEEDING AND IN PAIN!?
Dorian, that’s who.
So, Kai is passed out and has two nasty puncture wounds that go through his thighs, and he’s laying down on a bed with Dorian next to him. While ‘mirin Kai’s hot bod, he gets a stiffy and proceeds to masturbate next to him.
It’s only when Kai moans in pain that he remembers that Kai is injured and stops.
This is like in Evangelion where Shinji masturbates to Asuka while she’s in a coma in the hospital.
And Dorian is the destined mate, everyone! I can only hope to have a love as pure and strong as this in my lifetime! At the very least, Dorian acknowledges that he’s disgusting after the fact, but again, having Shinji flashbacks here.
Well, realizing his wounds need to be cleaned, naked Dorian drags Kai to a tub and starts cleaning the wounds with water. The entire page leading up to it had me scared he was going to lick the wounds like an animal.
Anyway, as he’s cleaning the wounds, the pain wakes Kai up. They look at each other; Kai asks about penguin dude, Dorian gets jealous, then accidentally touches his penis and next thing I know Kai’s all “I’m not in pain, I have a stiffy!”
Evidently, Kai misinterpreted [Dorian’s] action, for [Kai] mumbled, “S-sorry. I’m gay, you’re naked, and you’re sexy.”
On what planet are these characters human normal!? I don’t care what the genre is, this is a basic aspect of characterization. 
Dorian tells Kai that it’s a good thing he’s gay because he’s his mate and he’s a man. Kai is confused, but Dorian is still a horny bastard so instead of explaining himself, he kisses him. This is the most awkward description of a kiss I’ve ever read.
He leaned forward the couple of inches needed to close the distance between them and settled his top lip between Kai’s and his lower lip below Kai’s bottom one.
THE FIRST KISS!!!
Anyway, Kai’s a bad kisser but this excites Dorian because –ahem– the title is “Educating the Platypus”, after all. They’re interrupted and Dorian notes,
Dorian liked to think he’d put that dazed expression on his mate’s face, but he knew it could very well have been his injuries… which returned his focus to cleaning the wounds.
Boy, get that dick back in your pants, mmkay? It’s not just this book, sad enough. I see this shit with female protagonists all the time, too. Love interest get shot in the chest? Better remove his shirt and take time to admire his musculature as it’s being covered in his blood!
Some people I don’t know enter the room and we’re on chapter three!
The doctor is a shapeshifter snake, and the nurse is a shapeshifter wolf. Even though Kai is in pain, Dorian is just so sexy he can’t help himself and both men are basically leering at each other getting ‘rections while the poor doctor tries to do his job.
Much to my relief, the doctor makes a comment about how they should just suck each other off and he can get back to doing his job, which embarrasses Kai enough to stop, at least. Dorian is more pissed that other men get to see his mate’s erection.
The rest of the chapter is the doc patching his wounds while Kai alternates between pain and horniness.
What infuriates me isn’t so much that Kai and Dorian are inappropriately horny, it’s that the author only makes Kai feel pain when it’s convenient. When he’s in pain, it’s enough to make him whimper. Which conveniently makes him nuzzle into Dorian for comfort, which brings us back to horny nonsense. If the pain is strong enough to make someone whimper continually from it, it’s not something that can be easily brushed aside with the thought of a little whoopee. Either he’s in pain, or he’s not.
As an aside, Kai was raised by humans and knows nothing about shapeshifters. Since I also know nothing, I am getting tired of hearing characters promise to explain things to him later. I AM CONFUSED EXPLAIN TO ME NOW!
Anyway, he’s patched up now, so we’re onto chapter four!
We find out that Kai’s parents died before he could find out which one was a platypus shifter and that shifters live to be centuries old. He was just born, so our cute little platypus is only 22. In a stunning role reversal anime has already implemented for centuries, the lolitwink is 200+ years old so not really a loli! 
So despite Dorian’s objections, Kai goes back to his human friends. He’s a college student and having a pow-wow in the woods for one last night of partying before graduation. Dorian follows him to learn where he is staying, using “It’s my mate” as an excuse. 
Then he has a discussion with other shapeshifters (I think they’re mentioned earlier, but I was too shellshocked to notice and haven’t really paid attention to the auxiliary characters) about how to crash the party and show Kai how proper gay relationships act in drunk parties. I have a feeling that this is not going to be what I think it is.
There’s some other talk and I have no clue what is going on because I thought they were inside talking but then they’re flying and I don’t remember him shifting or flying and he was talking to bear shifters so they couldn’t have been in the air. WHATEVER why am I even bothering to try and make sense of this?
Chapter four ends with half wizard half shapeshifter having a vision (I believe this is the same one that foretold the mating between condor and platypus) and Dorian getting a bad feeling in his stomach.
Kai returns to his cabin with his friends, and sits down to knock back a cold one with his bff, Korbin. Korbin is not gay but clearly has no qualms holding Kai and squeezing his knee.
He’s hurting because of his wounds, but the POWER OF THE DICK OVERCOMES ALL EVILS and he’s thinking about Dorian and getting all hard n’ horny because Dorian is hotter than feeling pain.
He shivered as his cock thickened in his sweats, easily beating out the pain with arousal.
Well, telling Korbin about how hard Dorian makes his weewee skeeves Korbin out and he goes back to getting drunk enough to overcome his notgay issues.
He was… sweet and hot and sexy and the feel of his hands touching me and his arms around me…”
Groaning, [Korbin] pulled away and swigged the beer.
So Kai goes on and Korbin’s all “Son, why you ain’t up on that dick already?” and wouldn’t ya know, HERE’S JOHNNY!
Kai gets all flustered cuz Dorian be here and he heard him talking ’bout his hot ass and
Kai couldn’t help but visually eat up the tall, lean man.
While he’s eating, Dorian’s all walking to him all sexy like, so of course Kai starts thinking about DICK and gets a woody and makes his sweats all tent up. So embarrassing! A pillow covers that right up!
Dorian’s all “I was gonna crash the kegger through the window, man, but my lame friends said go through the front door.”
No one thinks that’s cool, DORIAN. No one likes property damage, DORIAN.
He and Korbin have a tiff about Kai, but Korbin leaves because he’s not drunk enough to be not gay yet. Now, our two men are alone.
Dorian starts talking like Brian Singer at a Hollywood House Party.
You’re young. You make me remember what that’s like.” He smiled, his dark eyes lighting with affection. “It’s refreshing.”
Kai’s all “lol this bitch look 30 he ain’t old” but then Dorian pulls out his super seduction secret technique
Dorian used his two forefingers to gently rub back and forth over the sensitive skin covering the crease of his elbow.
So then Dorian drops the bomb that he’s over 250 years old.
Wait. Wait a sec.
Kai is like, 22.
So Dorian is like, 250.
With my super great maths skills (MY ASS)
Doesn’t that mean proportionally, he’s like 2 months old in comparison to Dorian?
….
……..
Kai tries to play hard to get and goes to the balcony, then Dorian embraces him from behind and starts groping him.
nowwww we go to the shadows of the balcony where Dorian gives Kai a handjob. But wait, a wolf shifter was there too, and he found himself another man! So while Dorian jerks Kai off, Kai gets to watch some live gay porn less than 100 feet away!
We had the first kiss yesterday, and today it’s time for the first orgasm. Oh, they grow up so fast!
His balls pulled flush to his body, forcing cum up his dick. Opening his mouth in a silent scream, Kai’s orgasm bowled through him, flooding his body with bliss.
Dorian lifted his head and crooned, “What a beautiful sight. I’m going to enjoy seeing it again.”
“Yes, please.”
It’s time, guys, it’s time for us to learn how to educate a platypus.
The scent of splooge gets Dorian all randy so they grind up on each other and then the author cuts to the porn scene outside they were watching earlier, and then Dorian’s all telling Kai to watch them get it on and WHY ARE WE RUINING THIS ROMANTIC FIRST TIME WITH SHIT LIKE THIS?
Like, seriously. I don’t expect much out of my smut, but if a character is losing their virginity then I expect some romance, not “HEY WATCH THIS PORN WHILE I FUCK YOU”
UGH
UGH!!!!
Dorian be talking ’bout how he has two centuries of experience over the 22 year old Kai (eww) but then he gets all weird creepy possessive, like “Oh now we gonna be mated 4 eva” and Kai is all “wut i thought i was finally gonna get laid”
All this “MY MATE” bullshit I had to read through is just that. BULLSHIT. It’s words that the author uses to try and make me believe they are a couple in love and destiny and whatever but nothing in the narrative says they’re more than two horny bastards that want to get laid.
Okay, okay, let’s go on.
They nekkid, they ready, and then Kai asks for a condom. And Dorian is all “Oh, our species special and human STDs don’t take hold of us very easily. And I know I’m clean because I’ve only ever fucked shifters, and I’ll take your word that you’re a virgin even if you may not be. Plus it’s been like, 20 years since I last had sex, and I haven’t had any diseases in that time, so I’m clean. Now let’s stretch some ass!”
So let’s talk sexy. Oh god. Like. Okay. This is a mix of really weird language that makes me laugh instead of arouse.
His mate didn’t know that Dorian’s nearly 11 inch cock would feel fantastic sliding against his prostate…he’d need to show him.
Drawing on centuries of pleasuring a lover, he managed to peg Kai’s gland on the first attempt.
He mentions prostate several hundred times during the sex scene. I imagine it would be the equivalent of a female mentioning the g-spot multiple times during a scene and that’s hilariously stupid.
Dorian rocked his hips forward, pressing, until the crown of his erection sank past his mate’s guardian muscle.
My guardian muscle is the gate to poop.
And then….
I don’t know if you’re ready for this. Sit down. Get your cup of tea. Take a few sips. Relax your guardian muscle.
“I’ll let you move all you want,” Dorian vowed. “As soon as I feel your chute clamp around me.”
As soon as I feel your chute clamp around me.
chute clamp
I have never laughed so hard at a sex scene in my life. But we haven’t finished yet!
Feeling Kai’s chute clamp down on him, Dorian grunted.
Chapter Seven continues more of the odd never-ending sex scene that’s a mixture of standard erotica and weird word choice.
The “chute” gets a fair amount of play, but the primary focus shifts to Dorian convincing Kai to be his mate.
“How can you possibly know you want to spend forever with me?” Kai asked. “We just met!”
Okay, so I get it. In shapeshifter fiction “mate” means “soulmate”. They may well be soulmates. But Kai is immature and vulnerable. All I get from Dorian is a creepy “you must say you’re my mate right here right now”.
If he’s your mate, what does it matter if a week, a year, a hundred years pass before claiming matehood/marriage/whatever you want to call it? Right now Kai is not 100% and as a reader I’m not either. Dorian presses the matter until Kai is “convinced. It’s not something borne out of love. It’s coercion and that’s disgusting.
Anyway, Kai and Dorian are now mated, here is the best line:
His cock suddenly had no trouble going ramrod straight and leaking.
“Hell, yeah,” Dorian rumbled. “So good, Kai. So sexy. Gonna soak your channel, mate. Gonna make you mine.”
Soak the channel and clench the chute, we married now!
Chapter Eight opens with a morning BJ. Kai explodes into Dorian’s mouth and tastes so good Dorian instantly explodes all over Kai’s body.
They’re interrupted by the human friends who remember that Kai is injured and want to check up on him. They have a long conversation about nothing in particular, and Kai informs them that they’re mated now and they have the normal reaction any normal person would have to this.
Suddenly, his parents (aunt and uncle) are there. I forgot they were coming, but it doesn’t matter. Is there a real plot? No.
Anyway, Dorian was out doing something or other and now he’s coming to Kai’s house to meet his parents.
There’s a small humorous moment when Kai acts like they’ve been apart for months when in reality it’s only been two days. Sort of funny not really funny but sensible chuckle funny.
The parents love Dorian and now Kai and Dorian are going to live together forever.
The end.
I would also like everyone to know that I just got an e-mail informing me “Rehabilitating His Dingo” is now for sale. And at the end of this book, we read:
“Because Kontra received word […] there’s a dingo pack that moved here a couple years ago that are making sex slaves of humans.”
Oh look, foreshadowing. Yay.
